Insight from above

Yesterday is one that helped me see the BIGGER picture in life. I have been complaining for MONTHS about struggling to have another baby. I tried to tell myself over and over again that it is my Heavenly Fathers decision when/if we have another baby, and that he already blessed me GREATLY with my 3 beautiful boys. What do I have to complain about? I have been feeling very depressed as my WANTS were not going noticed in the grand scheme of things. I was having pity parties for a cause that was not my own to decide upon.

I would tell people that I was content with what I was blessed with and was starting to become very comfortable with the idea of NOT having another baby, but that was just me still hoping that if I try to tell myself that I was okay with it that Heavenly Father would bless me.

On Saturday I went to a baby shower for my favorite niece on my husbands side....sorry to have a favorite, but she accepted me even before Michael and I got married and has been there for me MANY times. As I saw her belly and how she loved glowed with love for that child, it made me sadder than I had been in a very long time. I wanted so much for that to be me or to be pregnant right along side her.

As the party continued, people started to turn to me and ask me when I was going to have another baby. Bitterness fell into place again and a little resentment. My mother-in-law told me that she saw 1...maybe 2 more babies in my future, but I KNEW BETTER THAN THAT!!! I KNEW that she was getting my hopes up for a losing cause. I left the party really wanting to be the pregnant one that was having the baby shower.

The next day I felt a little better for myself, but was struck down with a sickness and made my body ache terribly. I then got a phone call from my mother-in-law telling me that my niece who was 8 months along miscarried her baby right after the shower. She was at the hospital delivering a baby that was only meant to come to her long enough to get a body.

I can not imagine the pain of carrying my child and having to deliver it knowing that it was not going to be returning home with me, but returning home to our Father in Heaven. That kind of heart ache I would never wish on anyone. I then realized how selfish I had been with my own wants an desires. All she had wanted was a healthy baby to love and hold. I have had that 3 times and still was not content and wanted more.

Our Heavenly Father has a purpose for all of us. How can I be so selfish to DEMAND a child on my timeline when it might not be something that is for us right now. I would rather pray for my niece to have comfort for her lost child and hope and pray for her to be comforted in this hard time. I know this is one of the hardest things that she is going to go through...having to bury a child, but I know her husband and her are strong and that they will be blessed 10 times more for their faithfulness and for accepting the plan of salvation.

The Lord with give and take as is needed for this mortal life. I may not know what is in store for me or for my niece, but I know that each of us will be blessed for living our lives worthily. I will focus more effort on always living worth enough to deserve such a wonderful blessing as another child, but if it is not to be for us, I will continue to live worthy enough for my children to be blessed with the same knowledge that I have had to learn...that the Lord is infinate, that he knows what is best for us in each or our lives, that he knows our wants and desires even though sometimes it feels like they might not be going answered. Those wants and desires may never go answered, but as we stay strong and faithful in the gospel our lives will be blessed abundantly.